i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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