Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
