If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
