he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Come back. Shots need mouths.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
