Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Randomize
