not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
