Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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