This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
