I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
