the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
