Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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