I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
