I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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