Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
