Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
