Betty ford says i'm here all night
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
