I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize