I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
