So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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