i just had sex bonerless
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
