I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
