You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
