my sisters under your porch take her home
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
