I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
