why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
