So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
