you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
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