I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
