just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
