It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
