Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
