I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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