Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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