I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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