but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize