nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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