you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
