The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
