The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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