Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Randomize
