That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
