I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize