My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize