So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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