i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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