He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
