3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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