her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
