i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
