I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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