saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
