Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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