erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
