Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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