New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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