I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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