My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
