She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
