Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
